Pearson Design Group
Renovation is the most serious test of the strength of your relationship. Thanks to him, you understand what kind of dough you and your other half are made of. Renovations come with serious costs, personal preferences, childhood dreams, intense stress, the need to work together – the list can go on. “I think renovation is a litmus test that shows the true nature of your relationship and its future,” says Peter Pearson, who founded The Couples Institute with his wife, Ellen Bider, in the 1980s.
Refurbishment or teamwork for any other major challenge raises issues that don’t depend on the geographic location, ethnicity or culture of the couple, Pearson said. “This confirms that emotions are universal,” explains Pearson. “The feelings that arise during disputes over repairs reflect human nature, regardless of where we grew up.”
According to an online survey of 5,800 users in ten countries, many couples find renovation fun and rewarding, but daunting and challenging. In Australia and Spain, renovation is considered scary and difficult, while in Sweden it is fun for the vast majority.
Lambert & Sons Limited
“Set aside a difficult question for a while. Wait out, ”one of our Canadian users advises to deal with the complexities of repairs. Users from all countries admit that they fight with their other half over style, design, merchandise, materials and finishes to renovate.
Communication becomes the biggest challenge. “Most people start to fight and get offended when they feel misunderstood,” says Don Michael, a family psychologist and sexologist who runs workshops for couples to help them get through the renovation. “This is the hardest part, both in relationships and in design.”
What is the easiest way to solve this problem? The majority voted for a compromise. And also looking for inspiration by browsing photos on Houzz. Michael proposes such a solution to his patients. According to her, sitting down together and looking at the photos, everyone will be able to understand what he and his partner want. This will help the couple choose a design and style that they both like and avoid further disagreements.
Pearson Design Group
“Sometimes people realize that they really like the same thing, but explain their preferences in such a way that the other half is defensive. And sometimes men and women just speak different languages, ”explains Michael. “So perhaps by writing down ideas and looking at them carefully, you’ll say,“ Wait, I want to do the same! ”
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The hardest thing for couples during renovations is to stay calm and collected. “The long hours of work were exhausting. We had to build family life around this process, ”writes one of our Australian users.
Another challenge is staying flexible when it comes to living conditions during renovations. For example, if you continue to live at home while renovating your kitchen, you will likely need to get used to brewing coffee on a folding table in the garage, washing dishes in the bathroom, and buying take-out food. Some find it easier to get used to this student lifestyle, while others do not.
“I’m not sure my husband fully realized how difficult it is for a woman to live in a house with no place to dress, shower or comb her hair,” writes our Australian user. “In addition, we had a rather strained relationship when the renovation was going on in the kitchen and in the bathroom, which did not have a very positive effect on our life together.”
The difference in repair style is another challenge. Some are not worried about the mess, others hate it. Someone likes to work slowly, someone, on the contrary, wants everything to end as soon as possible. A professional can help you resolve any of these disagreements. However ambitious your project is, you need to keep an eye on how things are going.
Natural Stone Consulting
Peter Pearson, a family therapist, says that when he and his wife expanded the house, they made two decisions that helped them avoid 99% of all disagreements.
First of all, they set the budget. According to research, this is one of the most important tips our users offer to other couples. Understand what budget you can afford, come to a common decision, and stick to your chosen budget. If during the renovation it becomes necessary to increase the budget, discuss it with your other half before making any decision.
The second decision was to decide whose vote has the most weight in the decision-making process: Pearson got 49% and his wife 51%. In other words, Pearson’s voice played an important role, and his wife took his opinion into account, but, in general, she made the final decision, since both had decided in advance that it would be better this way.
Built Custom Homes, LLC
The division by 49/51 percent can be applied to the entire repair or individual tasks. One may have a decisive voice in the choice of materials and finishes, and the other in the organization of the process. But budget decisions need to be made on an equal footing, Pearson said.
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The couple will have to make many joint decisions, the count goes to the thousands. As soon as the discussion begins, it is worth setting up negotiations. You negotiate what the solution should be. And, according to Pearson, everyone should have the right negotiating skills.
“Most couples start by identifying what their problem is. I would say that I have a greater tolerance for inconsistency in interior decoration than my wife. But in her opinion, I’m just a slob, ”Pearson laughs.
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Pearson Design Group
Although Pearson immediately clarifies that it all sounds much simpler than it seems. “This is just a model that helps couples, but if it develops into petty quibbles like:“ You are just a copy of your mom! ” – then, most likely, you need to look for a different approach. ” For example, go to a family psychologist.
Despite the difficulties and disagreements, most of the respondents came to three main conclusions about their relationship: “We made a great team”, “I am glad that I am with this person” and “If we managed to survive the renovation, then we everything can be done. ” The latter conclusion is especially important.
While renovation is not an easy task, it can strengthen your relationship. Many people noticed that after the renovation they began to spend more time with their other half, cook and invite guests to the renovated house. Most of the respondents from different countries answered that they began to feel more comfortable, happier and more organized.
The vast majority of users who participated in the survey think the renovation was worth it. In Spain and Sweden, 100% of respondents answered that the result justified the means and all the difficulties: “Every time you enter a room that you designed together, you think that the joint efforts were successful, which also testifies to the success of the relationship.”
Brandi Hines and her husband Jamie (pictured here with her son Parker) built three houses and acted as the main contractor each time. She admits that she experienced tremendous stress during the renovation, as she was engaged in two jobs and was raising her two-year-old son. A joint discussion of all the problems helped the couple cope. Another way to deal with stress was breathing space: the couple got out into the fresh air, tended their garden, and tried to remember why they decided to build their own home. “It’s very important to see everything in context,” Brandi says. When does it not work? “I need a glass of wine!” She laughs.
Although she eventually realized that she and her husband were a great team, it was not easy: “Building or renovating is a very difficult test for a marriage and how well you complement each other.”
Lambert & Sons Limited
When you put a lot of time, money, and hope into a particular project, it often becomes a source of stress. If you have ever planned your dream wedding, birth and vacation, but all your plans fell through at the last minute, then you can understand what construction or renovation means.
You will need a few tricks to help you manage your stress. Many were helped by socializing with family members or friends, others by walking and spending time alone with themselves. Affectionate and caring is most appreciated as a stress reliever in France and Germany. They also play an important role in Canada, Italy, Spain and the UK.
Don Mile, as a sexologist, offers an appropriate remedy for dealing with stress: “I think people should have more sex. You definitely shouldn’t distance yourself. This is a direct path to a quarrel. Take some time to enjoy your project together, and bring that joy into your bedroom. “
How was your renovation? Did you manage to find a compromise with your family and how did you achieve this? Share your experience in the comments section!
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